I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
