I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
