i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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