hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
