im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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