The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
