i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
