just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
