You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
