also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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