So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
