U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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