Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
