Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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