well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
