I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
