is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
