My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
