I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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