I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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