Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
