Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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