So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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