I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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