I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
