Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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