Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
