i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
