ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i think im in europe. pls send help
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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