I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
