Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
