My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So vagazzling was a success
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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