If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Your penis caused this!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize