from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
