the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
