Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
