You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I think I just sharted jello shots
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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