i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
