Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
