i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
