I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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