Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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