Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
