New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
