I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
