I just threw up on my dentist
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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