What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
