I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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