I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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