he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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