Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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