apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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