you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
