i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
