also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
