I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
