I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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